Crash
by Sheffield93
Summary: She killed their son, every day she feels the pain. Nothing will ever make it go away, not when he blames her; she tried to take herself away but he stopped her. Then one day, it will start to heal. Beware self harm
1. Life

Prompt from Tumblr. "Castle catches Beckett crying in the bathroom and she tells him it's because she knows that he blames her for the car accident that killed their son. She blames herself too. Then she tells him she's pregnant."

Disclaimer: Nope. Not going to happen.

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It's the sobs he hears first; when she first walked into the loft ten minutes ago her body language signals were such that he knew she needed time alone. He's torn between giving her the space she desires and comforting his wife like he should. She's been different this past year, becoming harder to read and more frequently lashing out for no apparent reason but then an hour later she would be completely fine and would offer an apology rarely an explanation though. It all started with the car crash last year, the day that their blissful happiness came crashing down around them.

It had been a harsh winter that just didn't seem to be letting up, February brought a particularly bad snow storm that was being quoted as the worst for twenty years. Most of the city was shut down with intermittent power outages but Kate Beckett was never one to let weather stop her doing her job which is why she went to work as if it were any normal day; the fact that people were being warned to stay inside and only venture out for essential trips was trivial to her. "I'll be fine, Rick. The car is safe with winter tyres and nobody is going to be out. I want to solve this woman's murder, I can see the look in her teenage daughter's eyes the one that I had when my mother had been murdered. I want to do it for her." He pleaded with her to stay home to try to work from the loft but because Ryan and Esposito were at the precinct she would be too. So with a kiss from him and a kiss to her bump she set off promising to call him when she arrived.

Half an hour later when he saw her picture adorn his mobile screen he picked up expecting to hear her voice but when he heard the voice of a man who addressed him as Mister Castle and asked if this was Kate's husband as listed on her ICE his world momentarily stopped, he should have insisted she stayed home; handcuffed her to the bed, anything that would have prevented this phone call. He was told of which hospital she was being taken to and set off immediately.

When he arrived he announced himself to the desk clerk demanding to be taken to his wife. A doctor who had overheard him pleading with the receptionist to see his wife stepped in, "Mister Castle, could you come with me please?" The two men walked down the corridor and arrived outside the resuscitation room, surely no. He could see his wife through one of the windows with machines beeping, she was alive that was good, right?

"What happened, Doctor?"

"A car crash. Another car was going too fast for the conditions, failed to stop at lights I believe, t-boned her car causing it to turn on its side. She hasn't regained consciousness yet, we're trying to see if we can save the baby but be prepared Mister Castle."

By the time the doctor had finished speaking Rick was incapable of words he could lose both his wife and unborn son all because of a stupid man who wasn't paying enough attention to the conditions. He was so frustrated as well, especially at Kate. She didn't have to go into work today, nobody would have complained if she didn't. Her down right stubbornness had resulted in him here sitting in a hospital waiting when an hour later he was told that they were unable to save his son and his wife required further surgery. Kate regained consciousness three days later and when she was told about her baby she broke down in tears, her body shook so violently that she was not only crying for the loss of her child but for the sheer amount of pain she was in. While drugs could treat the physical pain nothing would help the emotional pain.

One week after she was discharged he had found her in their bathroom crying with a blade taken from a razor in her right hand and immediately saw the cuts on her left forearm and the blood running down her arm. She was in the process of another cut which even more alarmingly she didn't seem to be releasing the pressure. On initial sight he had started running towards her shouting, "No, Kate, no, no, no, please." Arriving at her feet he took the blade from her hand throwing it in the bath behind her out of reach. He reached for a towel on the rail and wrapped it around her arm holding the pressure on to stop any bleeding. She wasn't even looking at him, she had her head looking over her right shoulder and when he tried to gently bring her head around she sternly refused using all her strength to fight against it. The crying got worse for a few minutes, until he asked in a sympathetic voice "Why, Kate? Why?" At first she didn't answer, she didn't know how to so when she turned her head still looking down to avoid eye contract he thought it would be the start

"Because I want it to stop." He wondered then if he had come back an hour later he would be finding her dead on the floor. Sure she had been grieving, distraught and crying since the crash but not for one second did he consider she'd resort to this or even suicide. In the moment he couldn't be mad at her that would probably tip her over the edge. He couldn't lose his wife as well as their son, there's only so much a man can come back from. They'd lost Martha two weeks before they found out she was pregnant and Kate had been his rock then. Take Kate away and he'd only have Alexis, Jim would have lost his daughter too. "It's my fault, why didn't I die?" He vowed to himself from then to not leave her alone in the loft. She looked up at him then and he saw the red eyes, the tear tracks and smeared blood across one cheek, he removed the towel from her arm and was thankful it had stopped bleeding. He picked her up and carried her to their bedroom and gently placed her on the bed then went to get the first aid kit. Relieved that the cuts weren't too deep and wouldn't need stitches he took her arm, cleaned it and wrapped it up in the bandage.

One more look at her and he knew right now she needed to sleep so when she woke they could talk with heads that were clearer. He tucked her under the covers and waited for her to go to sleep. As soon as he was confident she was he set to work taking all the razors then putting them in his safe changing the code so she definitely wouldn't be able to get in. He walked back into the bedroom to watch her sleep and refused to sleep until they had talked.

The only similar instance occurred on what would have been the baby's due date when he caught her standing over the sink with a blade ready in her hand. Her hand was shaking so much, he came behind her and grabbed her right wrist and on contact she dropped the blade into the sink. He turned her around bringing her into his arms, her violent sobs racking through both of them.

It was then the first admitted to him how much hurt she felt because he blamed her for the death of their son. Perhaps he had been ignorant or naive to think it was just her guilt that had caused her problems. She still wished that she had died that day and that their child had lived instead. Every time she saw a baby it all came back, the guilt and the torture. Even though the accident wasn't her fault she was responsible. While he was grieving and did have some anger at her for going to work that day he couldn't tell her that. They promised each other always, neither of them were getting out of it so he would take her to Burke everyday if he had to and would sit with her or in the waiting room whatever was best.

That's what they did for the next three months, day after day. She talked to her father who had told her that no one would want this and that she had to get herself back together just like he did. It seemed to be that kick she needed. The four of them: Kate, Rick, Alexis and Jim all getting away together for family time. It seemed to work too, she got better more like her old self however she still had that haunted look in her eyes that even if someone didn't know what had happened, they could see the emotional pain she was still in. They got closer again, they were able to go on dates like couples do and could talk about day to day things like normal people. The elephant in the room appeared occasionally but now they could talk about.

Realising she had now been alone in their bathroom for some time and the crying hadn't subsided, he prayed that she hadn't gone back to those days, they were finally getting somewhere.

He entered the bathroom to see her sat on the floor with her back against the bath tub, her sleeves were down meaning no cutting yet she still had something in her hand. He knelt in front of her and asked, "Kate, what's wrong?" Unlike other times she could look at him but still had a trembling lip.

"Don't be mad, please." He could hear the desperation in her voice, she held tight whatever was in her hand and covered it from his view.

"Babe, I'm not mad just please tell me you aren't?"

"No, I'm not. I'm passed that."

"Well then what is it?"

"Listen I know you won't ever forgive me for losing our son and I understand that. And I know this wasn't planned but please don't make me...I'm late."

"I wouldn't make you do anything that would make you this upset. Please tell me."

"I'm late so…"

"Late for what? We don't have to go anywhere today."

"No babe, please. I'm late,_ late_. So I took a test." She passed what she had been holding in her hand to him, as he turned it over she spoke "I'm pregnant."

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I know it is kind of dark but hope you enjoyed reading it. I'm only a first aider. Some may think this is out of character but anyone no matter how strong they are now, are capable of anything.

Everyone have at least one ICE (In Case of Emergency) in your phone, if you've got a passcode then put a piece of paper in the case.

Review please? Thank You :)

**Tumblr:** Sheffield93

**Twitter: **EmilyRBarker


	2. Live

Sorry this has taken so long. Thanks for all the follows, favourites and reviews it was really nice to hear you opinions. For the ICE thing, if I got 1 person to do it then I would be happy but to have so many made me really happy. Hopefully it won't ever be needed but you never know.

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**Chapter 2: Live**

The last time she spent a night in the hospital was nearly two years ago and in such contrasting circumstances. That time she was recovering after losing their unborn son, now she has just given birth to their daughter. The last few hours have been of utter joy and relief that they had made it.

Eight months ago when he found her on the bathroom floor crying she had been so scared of his reaction. After what happened he might not want to have a child with her, he could have left her or made her have an abortion. All the things that went through her mind when she was on the floor were ludicrous in hindsight. He had been overjoyed at the news and relieved that in the fact that she wasn't self-harming or going back to the dark days.

Together they embraced her pregnancy and made everything as good as it could be. It felt to her as if a massive weight had been lifted, they'd never forget their son but somehow this child made things better between them.

It hadn't taken long to get everything sorted for the new baby, they still had all of James' stuff and hadn't got anything that was obviously for a boy because they had only just found out about his gender a week before the crash because he refused to cooperate at the previous scans. They had decided early on that if it was a boy they wouldn't call him James. She still thought about the accident and had the guilt everyday which was getting more bearable.

There were still scars on her arm that hadn't healed well but unless you looked closely they weren't clearly visible. She hadn't even thought about it for over a year.

So here she is, sat in her hospital bed nursing her daughter with her husband looking in awe at them. It makes her blush but she doesn't want to hide her smile so instead looks at him lovingly. They have a child who is a perfect feminine mix of them. She was exhausted after a long labour but didn't want to go to sleep, her daughter was too precious and she didn't want to take her eyes off of her. Kate hadn't noticed that her daughter had finished feeding because she was lost in her eyes.

"Kate." Rick said, "Do you want me to take her?"

"Huh?" She looked down and saw her daughter resting against her chest. "Yes, please." Rick took Charlotte and patted her back. Kate followed his eyes and when their gaze met no words needed to be said to express their love and happiness just their smiles.

"I'm so proud of you, you know that don't you?"

"Yeah, well I finally did something right." She said avoiding his eye straightening her gown up and flattening the blanket.

"You do lots of things right."

"I'd rather do lots of things wrong and get big ones right."

"Kate, c'mon. We both know what happened that day and I know you would go back and change it if you could but we can't. We've made, you've made this little girl, with some of my input." Which earned him a discerning look, "If what has happened, didn't happen we wouldn't be here now. Let's focus on Charlotte and go from there. Okay?"

"Yes" she replied quietly.

"Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"That you'll never go back to self-harming; if you ever feel the need to, come to me or anyone or just hold our daughter."

"I promise." She goes to swing her legs around so she can stand to hug him but is immediately reminded of the stitches which cause her to gasp in pain causing her to fall back against the pillows.

"Whoa, Kate." He puts his hand on her shoulder to tell her to stop and he moves to sit down beside her. "The doctor said rest."

"I know, I just wanted to..."

"What?"

"Hold you both, be in the cuddle. I don't know just with you."

"Well we came to you instead."

"Thank you, for everything. You really are one in seven billion." She said with a smile.

"It doesn't quite roll off of the tongue quite the same as one in a million."

"No but then that would mean there's 7000 of you which there definitely isn't. Not even one like you."

"No, there definitely isn't."

"I love you." She leans in to kiss him sweetly then pulls back to look at their daughter resting on his shoulder, "I love you too little Miss Charlotte." She said softly stroking Charlotte's cheek. "We'll be alright Castle. We always are."

"I love you too." Rick watched his wife drift off to sleep quickly, they had had a long day the long labour for which Kate required stitches and the distinct lack of sleep for the past few days. Charlotte too had gone to sleep quickly so Rick stood so he could place her in the bassinet by the side of the bed. Once happy that she was okay he sat in the chair in between the bed and the bassinet looking over at two of his girls before himself falling asleep.

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This one is kind of short but the next one is longer, it's when Charlotte goes through something similar and Kate talks with her.

Thanks for sticking with.

Reviews make me smile, so pretty please?


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